So, what happened with City Arts?

Okay, this will be long, but I don’t really want to write a whole lot about this. Because I don’t really want to get angry, or any more depressed than I usually am. So mostly this will just be copied and pasted from my email.

I couple of months ago I got this email from the City Arts Drama Director:

Your public blog has recently come to my attention.  Having seen it, I have no choice but to let you know that until such time your naked pictures are not available to the public you will not be allowed to work with City Arts.  Our concern is that parents may not understand your point of view and that makes your association with us, potentially damaging to our tax-funded program.

Should you want to discuss this with me, I am available to schedule a meeting at your convenience.  We are not terminating you, but rather using the guidelines of Roster work as an as-needed employee.  At this time, your services as an accompanist can be served by others on our roster.

Well, the only involvement I’d had with them since starting this blog was that I had once or twice before prepared recordings for their children’s theatre to use. (Yeah, instead of their hiring someone to play the piano, the music director—who is a friend of mine—asked if I could make a recoding.) So, being the creative and often bored type I am, instead of just sitting down and playing through and recording the piano accompaniment as written, I did a (small) orchestration of all the music in the show and had my computer make a recording of that. It was not terribly extensive or complicated music, but this did constitute an artist effort on my part.

So, I wrote back:

That’s fine. I would ask that you inform the others involved with the show to not use the recordings I’ve prepared.
If you would, please, let me know when this has been taken care of. Thanks.

Well, I got no answer from him for a week, during which I contacted my friend the music director and was contacted by the stage director/children’s theatre director, both of whom basically said that it was unfortunate it went this way and that the artistic director didn’t need to send that original email. And they both asked me to reconsider. Yet my feeling was that this was not something I wanted to reconsider.

So I wrote again:

Has this been taken care of?
I want to be sure that the files I sent are deleted and any hard copies that may've been made are destroyed
Please let me know.

He did respond to that:

As this is a work for hire, I don’t need to destroy anything. Please send your invoice for payment. Feel free to call my cell if you have questions. I don’t have your number, otherwise I would have called on the first contact.

So I wrote and sent this diatribe:

I’m sure if you wanted to call me, you have my number somewhere, as it has not changed in the past 5 years.

Since I started posting my blog, over a year ago, you have not hired me as an accompanist. I’ve never thought you to be under any obligation to do offer me any work. 

You said in your email last week that my “association” with City Arts could be damaging. Well, this recording is the only “association” I currently have with you, apart from occasional attendance at meetings of the Playwrights’ Forum (of which I’m not currently a member). So, when you contact me to tell me that I will “not be allowed to work with City Arts” I think it’s a reasonable assumption that this position of yours should apply to the recordings I’ve made.

If that is not what you meant, then I don’t know why you bothered to send that email. But you did. You have created this situation at this time. I understand your decision. You’re acting as an administrator out of fear of potential backlash due to ignorance, conservatism, and religion. That is the side you have come down on in this.

Sadly, it is not surprising. However, I completely disagree with your position on this. I would like to think that the director of an Arts program, and a playwright, would make a stand to support personal and artistic exploration and expression, whether or not you or others may like it or are comfortable with it.

Now, I do not consider my photography as being directly connected to my work as a musician, however you have chosen to make that connection. So I am taking a stand, since you will not, in support of artistic expression. This is an issue of artistic integrity, and not something from which I’m likely to back down. Therefore, I must insist that those recordings NOT be used by City Arts.

Furthermore, this is not work that you have “hired” me to do. As in the past, this is something I did at the request of the music director as a favor and for which, in the past, I did not get paid to do, nor do I expect to be paid for the time I put into these recordings.

Well, again I got no response from this guy. Another week later, I found out from the music director that they’d gotten someone else to make a recording.  So I wrote this guy again:

I have heard that the children's theatre will be using a different recording from the orchestrated one I prepared. I would appreciate some official word, confirming that this is indeed the case. It would allow me to consider this situation officially resolved, so I no longer need to be concerned with it.  Thank you.

He didn’t answer. The children’s theatre director did. And I still have heard nothing from the artistic director.

I don’t get it. It’s a lot like the reaction of the guy in Mississippi last year.

Apparently, from what I’ve gathered by talking to a couple of other people, no one had lodged any sort of complaint. He and the directors of the show for which I’d made these recordings had talked about it and decided it would be okay to use the recordings, and then he sent that first email.

This was all a “what-if”/pre-emptive-strike/covering-my-own-ass-in-case-of-future-whatever sort of thing.

I have yet to run into this City Arts guy socially (or professionally). And when I do, I’m not sure exactly what my response will be. But I don’t have anything much to say that I haven’t already said. I mean, I could say more, but it would likely just get personal and insulting. 

Aftermath

So, to briefly continue from yesterday’s blog...what now?

I’d planned to move, I’d already turned down a little bit of fall work where I had been living. Well, I wasn’t gonna move to Mississippi without the job at that school. But the reasons for wanting to leave are still true: not enough work, and the “rut” of my personal life. There’s just not much there for me, nothing really keeping me there where I was living. And I’d mentally prepared to leave. So, I still feel that I should leave.

I moved out of my apartment at the end of last month, and I’ve been staying with a friend in another town for several weeks. I’m going to visit some other friends this weekend and visit my parents for a few days. Then, I’m going back to where I was before, mainly to house-sit and pet-feed while some folks I know are gone for a couple of weeks. But after that, I have no idea where I’ll go.

I had looked into another accompanying job at another university, but they hired someone else. And, honestly, I’m not even sure if I want that sort of job right now. I think I need to find a place where I want to live and then look for some work that I can stand to do. I’m not exactly sure how to go about doing that. I really can’t afford to go try out a bunch of cities to see which I like.

Bleh.

Yesterday I watched a TED talk in which the speaker (Stefan Sagmeister) was recommending that people take sabbaticals from their jobs. They increase productivity, etc. 

Maybe I’ll do that—just go away for a few months...again. I did that several years ago; I went to the beach for part of the winter, after having met this incredible woman by whom I was “undone”.

The idea is appealing. But I will need to find some work, some kind of income before too long.

If only I could get someone to pay me to be naked.

Hmm...art class modeling? I should look into that. 

So, what happened to Mississippi?

Okay, this is gonna be a long one. Take your time.

I’ve put off writing about it for a while, as I knew it would be quite a lengthy entry, and the thought of typing it up and trying to put it into some order that makes sense was a little daunting. 

So, I may ramble a bit. Sorry.

-   -   -   -   - 

I was planning to move to Mississippi a month ago, on August 20th. Later that week I would’ve been starting work at a public state university there. It was the school where I went to college, and I had worked there before, most recently 2½ years ago.

Now, I wasn’t super-excited about Mississippi—I mean, it’s Mississippi. But I’d been feeling like I was in a rut where I was living the past few years, and there was work in Mississippi. Along with the “rut” of my personal life (or lack thereof) I’ve been significantly under-employed for a while. And they were “desperate for accompanists” to quote one of the voice teachers at the school there. So, I was going back there, with the idea that I may look into New Orleans as a possible place to live and work in the future.

I had been talking on and off during the summer with the faculty member who organizes and assigns accompanists at the school. (Accompanists are pianists who accompany other musicians. That’s part of what I do for a living).

I had given my notice to my landlord here in North Carolina that I was leaving, and I’d told people here that I was leaving and wouldn’t be around to accompany here, nor to do shows, etc. in the fall.

I’d gotten rid of a bunch of my stuff which I didn’t want to move.

I had gone down there a few weeks before and found an apartment, signed a lease and all that.

Everything was set.

Then on the Friday afternoon before I was supposed to leave I got an email from the director of the music department.

It said, in part, this:

I need to inform you that due to my knowledge of some recently discovered material on your social media site I am not comfortable hiring you in any capacity at this time.  If you have any questions or wish to discuss my decision you may call me at my office number next week.

Now, I had no intention of waiting around all weekend to get more info. I’d made plans. I’d made financial obligations securing an apartment and setting up cable, electricity, etc. So, I called the music department director’s office—no answer—and then his cell phone. I had his cell phone number from before when I was there.

He said that it wasn’t the best time for him, but I needed to know if there was any chance that this was something we could work out. I needed to know right then if this was a definite thing. Because if it was definite, I needed to get working right away on an alternate plan.

So we talked briefly.

I don’t remember everything exactly how he said it. My mind was spinning around with a sort of “what am I gonna do now!?” quality. But he did make it clear that I would not be working there. He also seemed to be clearly saying that someone in Human Resources had become aware of this, had contacted him, and that HR wouldn’t be willing to hire me—it wasn’t just him. He seemed unwilling to specify what it was that made him uncomfortable. I said something like “I assume this is about my blog”. He said yes.

Now, I do have more than one blog, and I didn’t specify, nor did he, anything about this blog, about nudity, etc. But it’s quite obvious to me that he meant this blog, and the subject matter one can find here.

I asked if there was some particular policy about this, and he replied with various comments to the effect that it was bad to post such things, etc. The clear impression I got was that he thought I should be ashamed of myself. He didn’t use those specific words. I really wish I’d taken notes, or recorded the conversation. But the things that I took from the conversation were that the decision was made and that wouldn’t change, that Human Resources was involved in the decision, and that he was personally disapproving of me.

Well, I called my landlord, arranged to stay a little longer, through the end of the month if needed.

So that Monday, instead of moving, I wrote the head of the music department this:

I have a couple of questions, or requests, perhaps.
Could you give me the name of the person in Human Resources who informed you of this situation, or who made the decision to not hire me based on materials I've published on the internet?
Also, in our phone conversation Friday afternoon, I believe you did not actually answer my question: is there some particular rule or policy at the university which I would be violating if I worked there and published such materials? And if there is such a policy, could you tell me exactly what it is and where I might find it listed?
Thank you.

His reply the next day:

Sorry for the delay, but school starts tomorrow and I am slammed.  When you called Friday... I wasn't prepared for the conversation and was definitely distracted.  So, with that said allow me to be clear.  The decision not to hire you was mine and mine alone.  I am responsible for all hirings in the School of Music.  As the person responsible for those hirings I have to use my best judgment, based on all the information available to me, to hire people that I feel reflect the values, character, good judgment and integrity I expect from all our faculty.  I also need to ensure that our students are in a safe learning environment.  The offer to hire you was rescinded and no further explanation is necessary.
You don't need a name in Human Resources, as they did not make this decision.  They only counseled me on my options.  As you were never an employee there were no policies to be violated.  This was my judgment call.

Well, I thought that was rather insulting to me. I mean, the obvious implication was that he feels I’m lacking in values, character and integrity, and that my being there would create an unsafe environment for the students. I really don’t know how he’d get that from this blog. I actually think this blog shows character and integrity, as well as an artistic frame of mind. The “integrity” thing I find especially insulting. I would challenge him to find anyone I’ve worked with in the past for any significant length of time who would say I was lacking in integrity. Or probably character, for that matter.

And I’m not sure what values the job, any job at a public university, requires. Perhaps a decent work ethic? Showing up, doing your job well, etc.? And I certainly do that.

So. The unsafe environment issue: I feel certain that he is reacting to a relatively small amount of what’s on this blog, and that a more complete understanding of what the blog is would not cause someone to react that way. 

(I’ll address this a bit more later.)

That leaves “good judgment”. Okay, yes. I suppose that is a real issue. I concede that it’s not unreasonable to ask if my doing this blog, and posting links on facebook, reflects good judgment. However, I don’t post to everyone on facebook. I post to my “friends” with some exceptions, those exceptions including most of the people who I currently work with. And if someone meets me and googles my name, I don’t think they’ll actually find this blog with my name. Maybe I’m wrong there, but I’m fairly sure about that. My name isn’t actually on this blog. And I’m fairly sure that people have found my other blog (which does have my name) while trying to find this blog by searching for “naked blog” with my name.

Anyway...

Let’s see...where am I?

Ah.

Now, since this department director had never actually referred to this blog nor specified the material that he found problematic, I responded with:

I certainly understand about the beginning of the semester. And I thank you for the clarification.
One further clarification would be helpful and greatly appreciated.
I want to be sure that we're talking about the same thing and not just obliquely referring to it; I want to be sure that I am not making any assumptions here about what you're saying. In your email from Friday you referred to "material on your social media site". Well, I do post a lot of things online, and I can imagine various people taking issue with various things I've posted. And I do not know you especially well.
So, can you be specific about the material I have published online which you find problematic, which causes you to find fault in my character and integrity, and which you fear would create an unsafe environment for your students?
Again, I just want to be certain that there is no misunderstanding between us on this issue, as I consider openness, directness, and honesty to be very important.
Thank you for your time.

Now, I feel that was a reasonable question. He and I are both educated adults, who should be able to have an open conversation about this. He rescinded a job offer that I had been counting on, and because of which I had made plans and obligations.

He didn’t answer.

I wrote once more a week or two later, just saying basically the same thing.

He still hasn’t responded.

I don’t really expect him to respond. I think he’s made his decision and, from the end of his last email to me, doesn’t think anything more needs to be said about it.

I, however, don’t let go of some things easily. I want to actually hear him say (or read his writing) what he finds problematic, and how exactly this reflects so poorly on me, how exactly my being there would be a threat for the department.

Because I think he is reacting based on fear. So, I want him to actually explain that he sees open and honest nudity and discussion of nudity as a bad thing (perhaps a sin?), and that he is afraid that the person who is naked and putting that nakedness online has a sexual/predatory agenda.

Yes, those are assumptions, but he leaves me no choice but to make assumptions. I would gladly apologize for an incorrect assumption if he would actually have this conversation and convince me that I’m wrong about his motivations.

See, I think that anyone who is an artist and/or an educator (or even a reasonably well-educated person) should be able to look at this blog and understand what it is.

This blog is, in fact, many things. At times it’s a personal and artistic exploration; it’s sometimes political and social commentary. This blog sometimes talks about news or current events; it contains reviews or responses to books, film, theatre—arts and entertainment—that I’ve read or seen, etc.

I don’t require that everyone like it, or support it, or even approve of it. But I do ask that people try to understand what it is and appreciate it for that.

But this man—despite his being a musician and a teacher—is not acting in this situation as an artist, nor even an educator. He’s acting as an administrator. As “the man”. He’s filling a role that has historically often been at odds with the artist: the guy upholding and defending the status quo; the guy making sure that everything is squeaky clean and doesn’t challenge anyone; the guy who wants “art” to be comfortable. Well yes, sometimes art is nice and comfortable and non-threatening. But often it is not. Art can be ugly and uncomfortable and challenging. Art often needs to be those things.  

I simply think he is wrong in his response to the blog—I assume it’s the blog, the nakedness in the blog, anyway; because he won’t say it; like it’s a cursed word: naked or penis or whatever.

I honestly don’t know what else I might have “published” online that would elicit the comments that he did make, nor to speak to me in our phone conversation in a manner which made me feel that he was trying to shame me.

I’m sure it’s the blog.

And this man’s apparent unwillingness to talk about it reminds me of a former friend who stopped talking to me and wouldn’t tell me why. And another former “friend” who, based on third-hand knowledge of something I did ranted on facebook about my actions and motivations, then unfriended me as soon as I got her to admit she was talking about me. And all the former facebook friends who silently unfriended me in the several months after I started posting links to this blog on facebook. It also reminds me of the feeling I’ve gotten that some people now think of me as only a naked person—as if now that I’m doing this blog, everything else about me, everything that we could’ve had a conversation about has now disappeared and I’m just “the naked blog guy”.

I’m still the same person.  

I have considerable integrity.

And the only danger I would pose to students is that I might encourage them to learn and think and question and be critical; to read and look and listen; to investigate; to not just blindly (or deafly) accept what they’re told.

Yes, I do actually recognize the danger in that.

I guess I’m an idealist in that I’d like to think the head of the music program at my alma mater, or at any school, would not be someone who can’t or won’t understand what I’m doing. But I suppose schools are not really in the business of encouraging open and honest discussion and exploration.

I find that sad.

Uh...what else?

Right.

On the legal issue...

Several people have suggested that I contact a lawyer about all this. But it’s not as if I want to force them to hire me. At this point, I don’t want to work for that guy. Maybe if I were already there in Mississippi might be more likely to look into those kind of avenues.

But I do see this as a clear First Amendment “free speech” issue. If I was already working there, and they fired me over this, I could probably win a lawsuit against them. 

I didn’t have an actual contract. But I never had a contract with them 2½ years ago. I don’t think they do “contracts” for accompanists. However, when I was applying for an apartment there, the woman I’d been in contact with at the school sent the realtor some kind of statement confirming that I would be working at the school. However, she, like her boss, has not replied to my messages asking about it, and the realtor won’t send me a copy of it either.

Ya know, If I were gay and this were a blog exploring and advocating homosexuality, or if I were a conservative Muslim and this were a blog discussing and advocating conservative Islam (but not violence or terrorism), then the school and this department head would be on much more precarious footing in withdrawing a job offer based on material I’d put online. 

-   -   -   -   - 

Okay, enough. 

See, it was long.

Feel free to comment or ask questions. (Or express outrage?)

Topless Duchess

British Prince William & his wife, Kate (Duchess of Cambridge) have gone to court—well, their lawyers have—in France to ask that recent topless pictures of the Duchess be prevented from further use. And they’re suing for damages, apparently calling the publication a “grotesque” invasion of privacy. 

The pictures were published in the French gossip magazine Closer, and can be found online. 

My feeling is this: she was sunbathing topless on a balcony which was viewable from some publically accessible place—granted, the photographer seems to have used a significantly high-power zoom lens—so they shouldn’t be so insanely outraged that these pictures have come out. If you’re that concerned about the public being aware that you do, in fact, have breasts and nipples, then you should always keep them securely covered up when near cameras and when outside or near any windows or mirrors that might be in line of sight of windows. 

Seriously, this is just about preserving the traditional, uptight, “proper” image of the British Royal family, which is an outdated institution in my opinion. To pretend that these are not people, but rather iconic demi-gods who’d never engage in any untoward behaviour is just craziness. It perpetuates an unrealistic ideal of behaviour which could, in time, contribute to unhealthy or perhaps more extreme behaviours by members of the royal family. Pushing down impulsive feelings, by saying “we can’t behave this way or that way, doesn’t make those impulses go away. They just get channeled into other areas, and it all comes out somehow, somewhere, at some time. 

Come on, that’s just PSYCH 101.

The Telegraph, the online version of The Daily Telegraph (a 150+ year old conservative British newspaper), published this video & article, in which the young royal couple visited the Solomon Islands...

...where topless native women in traditional dress greeted them:

Last night

I started out to write about something else today, but this took over. I’ll try to finish the original topic later this week.

(Yes, this is a rant, and no, there are no pictures.)

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this before, but... I was talking with a friend last night, and one thing that came up was that this blog has helped build my confidence about my body. Now, I wasn’t ashamed of my body before. I didn’t have the kind of feelings about my body that would keep me from being naked, or make me terrified of the idea of someone else seeing me naked. I mean, obviously not because I started this blog.

To me, those kinds of attitudes just seem insanely ridiculous. I cannot imagine actually feeling that way myself. However, I do understand that those kinds of feelings are real and horrible for some people.

To anyone who has those kinds of feelings, I’d suggest spending some time with your body. Get to know it. Look at it. Don’t be afraid. Or maybe be afraid, but don’t let the fear paralyze you; don’t let it control you. Expose your body to, if nothing else, at least the air in your bedroom, or bathroom, or somewhere. And then be bold. Claim your body and its right to be, without apology and without covering.

Anyway...

I used to feel about my body that it was okay, and I was okay with it. I liked some parts more than others; there were areas that needed work but which I really never bothered to work on; you know...whatever. I was okay with it.

However, I did feel that I had a small penis. Not really, really tiny, but small. Noticeably smaller than average.

The thing is, I didn’t actually have a realistic idea of what average was. I wasn’t exposed to a lot of penises in my daily life. And the ones I did see were generally in porn. So yes, compared to those, my penis is small. Sure, I knew in my brain that those porn-penises were on average rather large and I shouldn’t be concerned with comparing myself to that. In fact, I imagined that some straight women or gay men might find such phallic abundance to be a little scary. And sure, I’d read a few books—things like Sex for Dummies; yes, there is such a book, and Dr. Ruth wrote it—and again in my brain I knew that my penis wasn’t exceptionally small. But I still had that feeling.

But it wasn’t just about penis size. I’m a small-ish guy. I’m not exceptionally short, but I’m kind of short and fairly thin. Not really muscular. I’m not all those things that men are “supposed” to be. I would compare it to the sort of pressure that women get from magazines and movies, etc. in our culture to be a certain size or shape or whatever. It’s not quite that strong a pressure, but it’s definitely there. It’s not easy for a guy growing up being small.

Well, once I started doing this blog a couple of things happened. One, I got some compliments from people about how I looked. Some were general comments, while others seemed to be specifically about my penis. (See an earlier entry: “impressive”.) And two, I sometimes looked for images to include in various topics that I wanted to write about. And in looking for specifically non-porn nudity, more and more of the penises I found were not so huge. Also as I looked more and more at the pictures I was taking of myself, I felt more and more that I looked okay.

I still feel like there are parts that I ought to work on but which I probably won’t put a ton of effort into. And the difference between how I felt about my body before the blog and now isn’t a really huge difference, but then again, I already felt mostly okay about myself. But I do feel better, more confident. Yes, I could feel even better, mostly if I started exercising, working out, whatever. But I know that this blog has helped me feel better about my body.

I recently asked someone to pose for me, who considered it but replied that they weren’t comfortable enough with their body to do it. I thought that was really a shame. This happened to be a very attractive person who I think has a great body. But it would’ve been a shame even it wasn’t a conventionally attractive person.

We should all try to like our bodies, even if we can’t love them yet. They’re our bodies, right? We don’t get another body. So why not try to find the things that are great about our bodies and celebrate that?

I honestly and most sincerely believe that if people were more accustomed to seeing real, “normal” (or even not “normal”), average, everyday bodies undressed, it would be tremendously helpful for a lot of people’s self-esteem...that is, if we could get over the shame and horror that someone else might be seeing us. And if we didn’t hide away and shame ourselves, our bodies, we’d be better off psychologically. I’m not suggesting that everyone go naked 24 hours a day and in all locations. Sometimes it’s too cold. And sometimes we need something protecting our skin from the sun.

Someone once suggested to me that if people—specifically women— were more commonly naked, then men would go around with erections all the time, and that would be just awful.

Well, no, they wouldn’t. For one thing, past a certain age, men tend to require actual physical manipulation to achieve and sustain an erection. And anyway, an erection doesn’t have to be a scary, awful thing. I guess that’s one of the reasons that nudists carry towels. But more importantly, we would get used to seeing naked people, and we would stop automatically sexualizing nudity, so men wouldn’t always have erections all day—even the younger guys.

Don’t be afraid of nudity. And, for that matter, don’t be afraid of sex. People are sexual. 

Now if you’ve specifically been hurt or victimized in such a way that makes it very painful for you to deal with such things, then I say I’m so very sorry that such things have happened to you, and I hope that you are getting help to deal with those issues; I hope that in time you can come to a happier, healthier place concerning sex.

Otherwise, to everyone else who has issues about sex, I say get over it; don’t be a slave you some moralistic shame or fear-based ideology that you were taught as a child. Put away childish things...and childish attitudes. Make a damn effort. 

The Rite of Spring

My first semester in college I took a music class—I think it was Intro to Music Lit, one of those courses for music majors that you were supposed to take before your main music history classes—in which, at some point half-way through the semester, we watched a video of part of The Rite of Spring. 

The Rite of Spring, or Le sacre du printemps, is a ballet with music by Igor Stravinsky.

And Vaslav Nijinsky

choreographed the original production for the Ballets Russes in Paris in 1913. Both the music and the choreography were considered outrageous and nearly caused a riot by the audience.

It was definitely “pushing the envelope” in its day.

The score is now considered a major work of early 20th century “classical” music.

Well, when I watched this video in that class, just a little over 20 years ago, it wasn’t “outrageous”, but to me it seemed quite new and a little shocking. There was some nudity.

(AHHH! Naked people! AHHH!)

There was a solo dance in which the female soloist sort of danced her dress off. I didn’t know the piece then. I didn’t know that it is often performed with nudity. I was just surprised by the fact that her dress was falling down and she didn’t stop dancing, and no one stopped her to tell her. I thought at first that perhaps it was just one of those live performance accidents, but it eventually became quite clear to me that she couldn’t not be aware of this situation.

I don’t remember what the class discussion involved after we watched the video. So I don’t recall if the nudity was even brought up.

I have occasionally looked for that version, but I haven’t found it yet. I don’t recall any names—the dancers or company involved.

(None of these are from that version.)

Thinking about it now, I find it shockingly ridiculous that I found it surprising and shocking and had never seen any artistic performance before then which included nudity. And I can’t imagine I was the only one in the class who had that same level of ignorance or, if you’ll pardon the pun, that lack of exposure.

We still find nudity shocking today—at least nudity that doesn’t fit into certain acceptable or expected categories. Naked babies are fine. Nakedness in pornography is pretty-much a “given”. Nakedness in (some) cable TV and movies is okay as long as it’s set up right: a love scene or a shower scene or if it’s done for comedic effect. But it must be “pointed to” in a sense; it must be filmed in such a way as to bring it to our attention and played for the most titillation possible.

(BLECH! We suck.)

Ya know folks, artists are entertainers. Yes, we sometimes present nice, fun, sweet, pretty, socially non-problematic work which is extremely unlikely to offend anyone. 

BUT!!! We also are instigators, commentators, instructors, and many other things ending with “-ors”. Sometimes we present challenging, uncomfortable, ugly, shocking, surprising work that you very well may find offensive or may not even fully understand. If you’re shocked or surprised or offended, then you should ask yourself why.

What is being presented here that I find problematic in whatever way?
What is the author or creator of this work trying to do?
Should I be offended? Am I supposed to be upset about some external thing?
Or perhaps should I be re-examining myself and my assumptions about art and life?

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

Well...

If you’re still with me... 

This turned into more of a rant than I expected. I’m quite certain I know why that is. Most likely I shall share that here sometime soon. 

the skinny-dipping congressman

A congressman from Kansas—Kevin Yoder—

Yep, I am "that guy"!

—while on a recent, privately funded, congressional “fact-finding” trip (whatever that means) went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee.

That's right, the one that's in the Bible.

He was one of several members of Congress, their staff &/or family members who went in for a swim after diner and drinks. But apparently he was the only one to go naked.  

Well...okay. So what?

Yoder later made a statement to Politico.com:

“It is my greatest honor to represent the people of Kansas in Congress and [for] any embarrassment I have caused for my colleagues and constituents, I apologize.” (politico.com)

Wow. Really? This man did what, in that moment, probably seemed like a natural sort of thing. Why in the world is this an issue? Why should anyone need to apologize for this?

Apparently he and the others in the group were “rebuked” by Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia).

Grr...Eric Cantor not happy.

Ya know, unless there’s a whole lot more that’s not being told in the news reports (and why is this even news-worthy?), then this is ridiculous nonsense. Maybe some prudish, uptight people would find Congressman Yoder’s behavior to be upsetting. But I simply do not see how skinny-dipping has any impact on his ability to do his job.

The world is clearly fucked up.

Why

I have a new idea about why I started this blog last fall.

Yes, I was bored and wanted to do SOMETHING.

And yes, it was a sort of expression of who I am, i.e., a “naked person”.

But it occurred to me last night that perhaps it was that I felt no one really saw me. I don’t mean no one saw me naked, although that is true. I mean no one saw ME. I was just “the guy who plays the piano”, or more accurately “A guy who plays the piano”. Or maybe a music director or a playwright or a guy who writes musicals. But not me.

Of course, I’m also not just “A naked guy” or “that naked guy”. So maybe, if that indeed was a reason to start this blog, it wasn’t successful. And why would it be?

Of course, this wasn’t a motivation I was aware of at the time I started the blog. I don’t recall there being a really strong reason to start the blog. Just more of a strong but vague feeling of wanting to do something. And I still have that.

Changes.

Re-thinking (...or re-doing?).

Working on it. Of course, I can change locations, but I also have to change me. That’s the thing. 

rant (wish I had a better title)

I’ve mentioned the TV show, Skins, a couple of times before in this blog.

Something that occurred to me about the show is that no matter what these kids do, what happens to them, or what they bring on themselves—whatever trouble or drama or heartache they deal with—they have each other. They go through it all with their mates. They fight and cry and eventually laugh and have a few drinks with each other. The only time they get into really horrible, awful, terrible, life-ruining shit is when they aren’t together, when they keep something from the others for a long time—like, more than 2 or 3 episodes. 

I was thinking about this the other night, while lamenting my life, my lack of mates. (In fact, I started writing this the other night, while drinking. Now, in the sober light of day, I’m not entirely sure how this connects. It was quite clear before.)

Anyway...a few days back I was turned down (for dates) by 2 women in 2 days.

Yes, I asked a few people out. What? It’s not that surprising. I was thinking, enough of this sequestering, this hermiting myself. Okay sure, I’m leaving town soon. But I don’t have to just mark time until moving day.

(That’s what I’ve been feeling like lately: that I’m marking time or treading
water until I leave; like there’s not much point in trying to change my life
here now that I’m leaving.

Oh, and on that point...I’m thinking I may make a very small tour the first
week of August, between North Carolina and Mississippi. I need to go there
for a few days to look for an apartment, and I’ll need a place to stay for a
few days. Also, at least one night between here and there I’ll need to stop
somewhere. So if anybody wants to put me up, let me know.)

Well...maybe I do have to mark time. I can’t seem to get a date. I wasn’t even looking for anything serious—just thought it’d be nice to hang out with somebody. These weren’t random women I walked up to on the street or something. They were people I’d been chatting with, exchanging banter on the facebook.

(Sigh.)

I’ve not made a big deal about this move. I’ve told a few people, but not everyone.

My feeling about it is a bit like my birthday. I don’t really like hearing “happy birthday” from a bunch of people to whom I’m not close, because it just emphasizes my lack of connection. Where some people are “overwhelmed” by the “outpouring of love” from so many people on their birthday, I have the opposite reaction. If someone wanted to do something to actually make it a “special day” I’d love that. That would be awesome. But it doesn’t happen. And while I don’t like nobody saying anything about my birthday (pretty-much like last year) I think it’s not quite as bad as everybody saying it.

Anyway, the whole move thing is like that. I don’t really want people telling me “we should do something before you go” ‘cause that’s what’s been lacking here. And if they don’t say something like that, I’d want them to.

Yes, it’s fucked up. Yes, I’m fucked up.

I don’t know who said this but... “Some people build walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” I guess that’s me.

I remember once when I was in college, or maybe just after, getting drunk at a party and walking off sort of sulking, and then sulking even more because the girl I was interested in didn’t follow me to ask what was wrong. Well why would she? How is someone supposed to know the difference between when I actually want to be left alone and when I want someone to come after me? They both look the same, right?

Well, this has been a bit of a ramble. Well, to wrap it up, or summarize, I suppose...being alone too much can cause problems; I am and have been alone too much.

And...here’s a picture of me naked. You know, just in keeping with the theme of My Naked Blog.

But what do you really mean? (or, Subtext)

I’ve been watching, on the netflix, this British (E4, not BBC) show, Skins. 

It’s a drama in which a bunch of teens are having sex and drinking and using drugs, plus occasional outbursts of violence and other criminal activities.

Some time ago I watched the first few seasons, and a few days ago I started watching the 3rd season. Toward the end of this season there’s an episode in which several characters get upset when they find out that somebody they like had sex with somebody else and didn’t tell them about it. Basically, their lies and stupid behaviors were revealed and everyone was upset. It reminds me of a lot of sitcoms, except on this show, it’s not supposed to be funny.

I’ve written about stupidity and lying on TV shows before. It occurs to me that this is sort of connected to another topic.

Subtext.

I feel like I’ve written about subtext before, but maybe not.

Subtext is what a character is thinking or what they really mean as opposed to what they are saying.

As a writer of plays and musicals, I rarely think about subtext. My characters tend to say what they’re thinking. I’m sure that has everything to do with how I feel people should be in real life. Just say what you mean.

I want to think that people are honest with me. I’m honest with them. However, I’ve learned that most people aren’t honest. Sometimes that makes me sad, sometimes it makes me angry, sometimes it makes me not want to deal with people.

I don’t mean that people are constantly trying to deceive everyone about everything. Maybe some people are, but mostly no. Certainly some people may lie out of embarrassment about some stupid thing they did. But I mostly mean that people will lie to spare your feelings all the damn time.

Seriously, I would rather know the truth up front. Sure, it might hurt my feelings a little. But I really do want to believe you, so when I figure out that you’re lying, not only are my feelings hurt, but now I think of you as a liar. Now maybe I have less respect for you than I would if you’d’ve just been honest.

Unfortunately, this has contributed to my cynicism about people. I never used to do this, but now sometimes I’ll wonder if someone is telling the truth or if they’re lying to avoid “conflict”. And that keeps me at a distance. It’s hard for me to want to be closer if I’m always suspicious of you.

Having studied psychology, I’m aware that may be deeper psychological issues involved with “lying”. But when I’m thinking about psychological motivations, I tend to think that people are either unable to see the truth or just unwilling to deal with it, not that they’re consciously lying. Actually, I think I’m pretty good at getting a feel for a person when I talk with them a bit, maybe seeing through to what’s really going on. 

I had a roommate who called it “leap-frogging”. Maybe not the most accurate term, but he meant that I sometimes jump over all the little points between A and Z, or maybe I see A, B, & C, and then I’m ready for Z. He also suggested that I “use my power for good instead of evil”. I think he thought I was kind of evil. Of course, he was an extremely repressed Christian-type, who regularly prayed a lot and felt guilty after having (reportedly bad) sex with his girlfriend.

I had, for a while in college, thought I might become a counselor. My degree is actually in psychology.

Anyway, maybe my thinking about, or lack of understanding of, or lack of engaging in subtext in a play has been wrong. I’ve often felt like subtext was a lot like lying. But maybe it’s more like having an unconscious psychological issue—maybe something repressed, that you can’t accept, you can’t say out loud or even to yourself. 

Perhaps I should, in the future, craft characters that are all “crazy”. I don’t necessarily  mean the clinically, diagnosably, put-‘em-in-the-nuthouse kind of crazy. Just the everyday, lying-to-themselves, actually-believing-the-bullshit-they’re-saying kind of crazy.

lend a hand

Well... Good morning.

So yeah, this has been going on.

Off and on for a few days, actually. And, sadly, there’s no one around who can lend a hand with it. Or lend any other body part.

I’ve been told several times in the past several years by several people that I just need to go get laid.

But I can’t. I just don’t work that way.

Okay, I’ve never really tried to go out and meet someone in order to have sex with them. So, maybe I could do it. But I really doubt it. I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

Of course I want to have sex. It’s been way too long. But with many women, even if I find them physically appealing, when I get to know them I don’t find them particularly attractive anymore. I like women; it’s just that as I get to know them I find a lot of them to be stupid or crazy or shallow or religious (yes, I’m intolerant of religion) or conservative (also intolerant there). And mostly the ones who aren’t at least one of those things which I find unappealing are either married or otherwise “taken” or a bit on the young side.

Now, young might be okay, except that I’m 41, and I’m not sure that I want to get involved with someone half my age. And I get the feeling that when they know how old I am they don’t want to get involved. They just don’t even see me as a possibility.

There are some young women who’ve told me “age is just a number”. But, then again, no one who’s ever said that has expressed any interest in dating or even in just having sex with me.

Anyway, the point is that I’m just not really okay with the idea of fucking somebody I don’t know and don’t care about. Whether or not I could actually do it, I don’t really want to do it.

This reminds me of a brief, unsuccessful fling I had several years ago. It was with a woman I’d known for a little while. I think we were both just lonely. But some part of me—subconsciously or whatever—knew that it wasn’t a good idea, that I shouldn’t be with this woman. She was kind of crazy. Not like really crazy, just...I don’t know, having some issues at the time.

So, I couldn’t “be with” this woman. I mean, it didn’t work...my penis. So we never actually “did it”. I worried a little about it—that maybe it was symptomatic of a larger issue. But in other prior, successful relationships, I occasionally had some performance issues (to a lesser degree) when things weren’t going great in the relationship, that is, generally when I didn’t feel things were “equal” in the relationship. Like one of us was more invested in the relationship than the other.

It seems that for me relationship problems lead to sexual performance problems. Clearly it’s connected to my lack of interest in having sex with someone I don’t care about. As some people have suggested, maybe that’s a good thing. But, then again, there’s no one in my life that I care about and who is interested in having sex with me. So, maybe it’s not so great.

Ug.

So, I guess it’s up to me.

teary-eyed

Lately I’ve noticed I tend to get emotional over movies or shows I’m watching.

I’m thinking about it, because I just had one of those reactions to a movie I was watching: The Lake Effect. 

It’s not like I’m crying outright, but I get a little teary-eyed.

The thing that gets me is when there are characters who struggle and are in pain or, especially, are lonely, but then in the end it changes. It’s not that they are necessarily happy, but they discover that they have other people and therefore they have the potential for happiness, or contentment, or something like that. Maybe struggling and pain will still happen, but they don’t have to do it alone.

That’s what gets to me. That’s what got to me in the movie I just watched.

It’s because I feel very much alone. That’s nothing new. And I’m starting to fear that it’ll always be this way.

I never used to think I wanted to get married and have kids and all that typical stuff that everyone seems to just assume they’re gonna have because it’s what people do. People do way too many things just because that’s how things are, that’s what “normal” people do.

Anyway... Now, I’m not sure. I’ve thought about it. Mostly I just want a real connection.

I don’t feel that I have people. I have relatives who I just don’t seem to connect with very well. I don’t feel that I really resonate with them, or vice versa. And I know a bunch of other people, but there’s no one close. Most people I know I think of as “acquaintances” or “colleagues” more than friends.

Occasional banter on the facebook is one thing, but are we really friends if we live in the same town and almost never see each other? There was a colleague of mine a few years back with whom I thought I would become friends. But she just never had the time to get together, hang out, or anything.

Forward to today, and she & I never interact, even on the facebook.

There are “facebook friends” with whom I interact. We comment on each other’s funny posts. But I guess nobody wants to hang out with the naked guy. Well, there’s the occasional emails from somebody who’s seen my blog. Always a guy (except possibly the “fan mail” from last week). And the gist is generally: You like being naked, me too; let’s hang out naked. Maybe it’s a sincere, non-sexual invite, but somehow it always strikes me as kinda creepy. I guess I’d rather hang out naked with some of those “acquaintances” or “colleagues” that I already know and know that I like, know that I have something in common with them.

But, again, I guess nobody wants to hang out with the naked guy. A lot of my “acquaintances” or “colleagues” unfriended me when I started this blog. And there are many who just don’t ever say anything at all about it. Like, if no one mentions it, then it doesn’t exist.

Oh, yeah, I do have another friend who seems to want to tell everybody about how I love to be naked and I have a blog and she’s really proud and supportive of the blog...except she doesn’t really want to read the blog or actually see me naked; oh, she’s totally cool with nudity...unless it’s actually happening around her.

Sorry. A little off topic.

Wait, what is my topic?

Oh yeah. I’m alone.

God, what a boring topic.

And I go on about it way too much.

So, I’ll not continue it. 

“Lady doctor” 2

So I’m continuing to watch Bramwell.

It’s good.

A lot of the British shows I’ve been lately watching on the netflix are good. I’m sure there are mediocre British TV shows. Of course, I know there are tons of mediocre American shows.

(Started out very promising; half a season later, not so much.) 

Anyway, yesterday I said (wrote) “I don’t expect there to be any nakedness in the series...”

Well, I was sort of wrong. I mean, there’s what I guess would be considered “nudity” in an episode I just finished watching. In this episode, there’s a woman who has breast cancer. Now this show, Bramwell, is not a blood spurting, showing lots of injuries and such type of show, although sometimes those things are shown. In this particular episode, they do show the woman’s breast during a couple of exams.

Well, the thing about this episode which I find most worthy of comment is this: the husband of this character with breast cancer is a doctor, (There are lots of doctors in the show—3 who are main characters, but various others come and go.) and it becomes evident that this husband and wife simply don’t really talk to each other about important stuff.

I just don’t understand that. I mean, I realize that at times we may find it difficult to talk about stuff, but to consistently keep everything hidden—important stuff about yourself, your health, you children, whatever—from your spouse, particularly when he or she is capable of dealing with such things, makes absolutely no sense to me.

Okay, yes, this TV show is set in Victorian England.

But I have the sinking feeling that this behavior is still common today. I remember when I was a teenager and seeing a therapist; there was a woman I knew who was seeing the same therapist and who complained how the therapist kept asking her about stuff she didn’t want to talk about. Well, duh. That’s the whole point, right?

People! Talk about shit. Seriously. Be open and honest and direct with the people you care about.

The only reason to hide things or lie is if you’re a disreputable type trying to pull something over on someone or deliberately hurt them. And if that’s the case, shame on you. Don’t be such a selfish bastard.

Stripping Natasha

“Strip Me” by Natasha Bedingfield 

AAAHHHHH!!!!!

This song demonstrates part of what I hate about contemporary popular music.

It’s just so fucking repetitive.

If you strip it down to its basics, except for the bridge, I think it’s pretty-much the same 3 chords over and over and over. But you don’t ever really hear the chords that much. What you hear is vocals and drums, and much of the rest of the “accompaniment” is like repetitive background noise.

I listened to another song by the same singer (“Pocketful of Sunshine”). It’s similarly, annoyingly limited in musical variety, when you “strip it down” to the basics. It’s mostly 3 or 4 chords.

That’s what popular music has been for a while. A few chords plus attitude.

I think the audience has become more technologically sophisticated and wants new and more and better—look at movie special effects. But I think we’ve become so much less sophisticated in terms of our understanding of or our desire for content.

The basics are so damn basic that you have to throw a bunch of shit on top of it. Forget well-crafted songs. Just give us a lot of attitude and a decent-sounding voice (which is likely edited and manipulated in the studio), then layer a bunch of annoying sounds on top of it so it seems like something is happening.

Oh yeah...don’t forget the pretty face.

I don’t know, it just seems a bit like waving your arms and yelling “Whoo-whoo-whoo”, flashing lights in people’s eyes and calling that great dancing.

“Strip Me” lyrics

(from: lyricslike.blogspot.com)

INTRO

La-la-la-la-la La-la La-la-la La-la-la La-la
La-la-la-la-la La-la La-la-la La-la-la La-la

VERSE 1

Every day I fight for all my future somethings,

A thousand little awards I have to choose between.
I could spend a lifetime earning things that I don’t need.
That’s like chasing rainbows and coming home empty.

PRE-CHORUS (This is just like a chorus, but it’s followed by another chorus, so we call it a “pre-chorus”.)

And if you strip me, strip it all away,
If you strip me, what would you find?
If you strip me, strip it all away,
I'll be alright.

CHORUS 

Take what you want, steal my pride,
Build me up or cut me down to size.
Shut me out, but I’ll just scream.
I'm only one voice in a million but you ain't taking that from me.
(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that.

VERSE 2 (abbreviated—probably nobody notices much, or minds, because it’s all the same repetitive stuff)

I don't need a microphone to say what I been thinking.
My heart is like a loudspeaker that's always on eleven.

PRE-CHORUS

And if you strip me, strip it all away,
If you strip me, what would you find?
If you strip me, strip it all away,
I'll be alright.

CHORUS 

Take what you want, steal my pride,
Build me up or cut me down to size.
Shut me out, but I’ll just scream.
I'm only one voice in a million but you ain't taking that from me.
(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that.

BRIDGE

‘Cos when it all boils down at the end of the day
It's what you do and say that makes you who you are,
Makes you think about, think about it, doesn’t it?
Sometimes all it takes is one voice.

CHORUS

Take what you want, steal my pride,
Build me up or cut me down to size.
Shut me out, but I’ll just scream.
I'm only one voice in a million but you ain't taking that from me.
(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that from me.

(Oh oh oh) you ain't taking that.

REPEAT CHORUS

FADE OUT (intro)

La-la-la-la-la La-la La-la-la La-la-la La-la
La-la-la-la-la La-la La-la-la La-la-la La-la