Unfriends (2)

So I lost a couple more friends on the facebook not long ago. I know who it was: a few students I’d played for this past year. I don’t know if they unfriended me because of this blog, or if it was more of a spring (summer) cleaning, a general unfriending, as I won’t be around to play for them or even to say hi occasionally this coming school year.

The rate of my facebook unfriending has certainly slowed significantly. The first few months after I started this blog (and started posting it on the facebook) it was considerably more than a trickle. But not lately. And I actually sort of miss it. It’s almost like if I’m not offending somebody I must be doing it wrong.

Now, this blog isn’t intended to offend. But, just like I don’t try to flash people, yet I don’t mind if people happen to see me naked, I’m not actively trying to offend people, yet I don’t have a problem with it if someone is offended.

In fact, maybe people need to be offended sometimes. Certainly if it gets them to think then it’s probably a good thing. Although, I suspect most people who get offended just sort of shut down any analytical part of their brain and just ignore or go into rant/talking-point mode.

So...hey, here’s a picture.

Or two.

Yeah, two! Boom.

Feel free to be offended. 

lend a hand

Well... Good morning.

So yeah, this has been going on.

Off and on for a few days, actually. And, sadly, there’s no one around who can lend a hand with it. Or lend any other body part.

I’ve been told several times in the past several years by several people that I just need to go get laid.

But I can’t. I just don’t work that way.

Okay, I’ve never really tried to go out and meet someone in order to have sex with them. So, maybe I could do it. But I really doubt it. I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

Of course I want to have sex. It’s been way too long. But with many women, even if I find them physically appealing, when I get to know them I don’t find them particularly attractive anymore. I like women; it’s just that as I get to know them I find a lot of them to be stupid or crazy or shallow or religious (yes, I’m intolerant of religion) or conservative (also intolerant there). And mostly the ones who aren’t at least one of those things which I find unappealing are either married or otherwise “taken” or a bit on the young side.

Now, young might be okay, except that I’m 41, and I’m not sure that I want to get involved with someone half my age. And I get the feeling that when they know how old I am they don’t want to get involved. They just don’t even see me as a possibility.

There are some young women who’ve told me “age is just a number”. But, then again, no one who’s ever said that has expressed any interest in dating or even in just having sex with me.

Anyway, the point is that I’m just not really okay with the idea of fucking somebody I don’t know and don’t care about. Whether or not I could actually do it, I don’t really want to do it.

This reminds me of a brief, unsuccessful fling I had several years ago. It was with a woman I’d known for a little while. I think we were both just lonely. But some part of me—subconsciously or whatever—knew that it wasn’t a good idea, that I shouldn’t be with this woman. She was kind of crazy. Not like really crazy, just...I don’t know, having some issues at the time.

So, I couldn’t “be with” this woman. I mean, it didn’t work...my penis. So we never actually “did it”. I worried a little about it—that maybe it was symptomatic of a larger issue. But in other prior, successful relationships, I occasionally had some performance issues (to a lesser degree) when things weren’t going great in the relationship, that is, generally when I didn’t feel things were “equal” in the relationship. Like one of us was more invested in the relationship than the other.

It seems that for me relationship problems lead to sexual performance problems. Clearly it’s connected to my lack of interest in having sex with someone I don’t care about. As some people have suggested, maybe that’s a good thing. But, then again, there’s no one in my life that I care about and who is interested in having sex with me. So, maybe it’s not so great.

Ug.

So, I guess it’s up to me.

Well...Good morning

Oh! Hello.

Well...Good morning. 

One of those days, I guess.

Hey, it happens, ya know?

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   . 

Actually, morning erections are sort of... “life affirming”.

Okay, so this is maybe too much information. But I figure what the hell, if you’ve seen this blog, you’ve seen a lot of me.

I haven’t had sex in a while—too long, really. Like 6½ years. There are a couple of young ladies that I fooled around with in that 6½ years, but we didn’t actually “do it”...you know, fuck.

And I’m starting to feel a little hopeless.

I mean, certainly I’ve had sex with myself. But more and more that feels less and less satisfying.

I don’t even really try to meet women much at this point. I was never one to just go out to bars or wherever looking for women to fuck. That’s just not me.

The women I’ve liked are generally people I’ve met while working—in a show or whatever. Lately when I have become really interested in someone, it’s ended with a fair amount of pain and anger. It used to be that I found most women (and most men) to be stupid, shallow, boring...generally unappealing in various ways. Of course, now the longer I go without “getting any” the less that seems to be an issue, or the maybe the more I’m willing to overlook that. And I think that’s what’s lead to the pain and anger. Mostly it’s anger at me for allowing myself to get that interested in someone who’s clearly not right for me for whatever reason.

There was a woman I met about 3 years ago who I was just crazy about. I mean, I was just completely lost in my attraction for her. It was kind of insane. Anyway, she was the first person I’d really been interested in since I’d broken up with my ex a few years before (6½ years ago). Nothing physical ever happened between this woman and me. We just hung out together all the time. She was unhappily married and didn’t want to deal with it.

I tend to talk about stuff, put things out there on the table. But that didn’t happen, ‘cause she wouldn’t. So I got crazier and crazier. I wrote a bunch of songs and poems about her. Eventually I had to stop. Nothing was ever going to happen, and I just couldn’t be her friend. And it was making me crazy, obsessed. I had a rough several months after that. I just sort of went away, literally. I was sort of a hermit. I went to the beach for the winter, where I had no work and didn’t know anybody, didn’t meet anybody or interact significantly with anyone for 3 months.

The one positive thing about that whole experience—meeting that woman and how I felt about her—was the fact that, at almost 40 (then), when I’d sort of felt that I might never meet anyone I really liked again, I did. I REALLY liked her...loved her.

Similarly, the fact that I can still get it up means that if I do meet someone else that I like, I can still, you know, “do something about it”.

...at least for now. 

Th’giving

Last night I saw somebody’s facebook status about how she likes to occasionally make a list of 50 things she’s thankful for and then compare to see how it changes, and that it makes her feel good. Lots of people are posting today about thankfulness. Is anybody on the facebook NOT posting something about Thanksgiving?

I’m not really a big holiday person. And, to be honest, I’m generally dissatisfied in life these days. So, the thankfulness thing is really hard for me to get into. I’m not sure if I could come up with 50 things. But I thought I’d at least give it a try. Not 50 things, but a list. So, what am I thankful for?

—I’m not starving, or totally broke...yet. Of course I’m not working nearly enough, which kinda sucks. There just seems to be too many people around here who do what I do. I don’t know how good they all are, but I suspect the people doing the hiring may not necessarily be able to tell the difference between adequate and good. I am working a little. I’m thinking I may look elsewhere & move next year.

—Up until this point, I’ve been able to make a living doing what I want to do. Unfortunately, I’ve mostly not been able to do it at the level I really want, but I have sometimes been able to work with people who were really awesome and done some work that I was really happy with. And of course, there’s all the other work that doesn’t quite fit into that category.

—I live somewhere that I can indulge my clothing-optional lifestyle. I don’t feel oppressed about it. I mean, I’ve lost “friends” and, maybe I’m wrong here, but some other people seem to be avoiding/ignoring me. I’d much rather people engage than avoid, but at least I’m not being oppressed. And I haven’t been arrested or anything yet.

—I’m not in great shape, but I’m alright. I’m not sickly or anything. There was something wrong with my knee this summer, but they didn’t have to do surgery or anything. It still gives me problems a little, but I’m thankful it’s not worse.

—Along those line, my penis still works. I mean, I’m not 20 anymore, but with a little work...

Tripdytch

Yep, still works, despite not having anyone to “work it” with.

—Well, that leads me to this: most people around here are gone for a few days, so I felt pretty comfortable taking some pics outside yesterday and today—a little more than I might normally. I’ll post those a bit later, as I’m hoping to take a couple more.

I’m sure there must be other stuff. I’ll think on it later. But as you can see, I have a hard time being thankful without a “however”...unconditional gratitude is hard. 

I wonder if other (“normal”) people feel the way I do, but they just don't vocalize it. Of course, I do. I’m not one to refrain from saying what I think or feel.

...

Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving...what else to say about Thanksgiving?

Well, there will be little or no “dressing” at my place today. Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! I’m hilarious.But, yeah, I'm "celebrating" a naked Thanksgiving. I mean, I'm not really celebrating in any special way. But I'm naked. No big surprise.

Okay, what else?

Oh. There’s this strangeness:

Turkey-woman

It’s kind of funny, but also rather disturbing. I mean, the implication is that the woman is a thing to be consumed. Also there’s the whole bondage thing. I mean, this looks like serious bondage, which I’m not super-keen on.

...

Well, I’m not coming up with much else. So, I’ll go back to just hanging out on “Turkey Day”.