So,
I just noticed that yet another person unfriended me on the facebook. Earlier today, I
think.
A
few years ago, I might not have noticed for a while. But now, it’s something I
still just assume is going to happen.
(Just
a quick recap for anyone new: When I started this blog and started posting links
on the facebook, I lost about 60 or so within a couple of months. It was a
little extreme. And since then it’s taped off a lot. Now it’s more occasional. My
total number of “lost” “friends” is probably around 75 or 80? Maybe more, I don’t
know.)
I used to really wonder a lot who it was, often looking through my “friend”
list to figure it out. I’ve probably said this before, but...when someone
unfriends you, I wish the facebook would send you a notification. They notify
you of every other fuckin’ thing.
Obviously,
many of my “facebook friends” I’m not REALLY friends with. I know them in real
life—well, there is one I can think of right now, whom I’ve not met in real
life. A lot of them are people I was friends with or worked with or knew 5 or
10 or 20-something years ago. And even most of the people I currently know, I’m
not that close to.
Well,
this is starting to head toward depressing self-indulgent crap.
So,
I’ll just say that while I haven’t bothered to figure out who the last several “friends”
are who silently unfriended me, I assume that it’s due to this blog. In fact, of
all the unfriends in the last year-and-a-half, only one ever wrote me and said
anything. It was almost humorous.
Anyway,
despite that fact that I still sort of expect unfriendings, it still surprises
me. It’s just sad so many people can’t handle being friends with a naked
person. And they just disappear, in silence. Have some balls, people. Tell me
you don’t like this or you’re uncomfortable, or that you think I’m a pervert
out to do horrible things to your children.
(Oh yeah, I never did write about that. I guess I’m still processing... Soon.)
So I lost a couple more friends on the facebook not long ago. I know who it was: a few students I’d played for this past year. I don’t know if they unfriended me because of this blog, or if it was more of a spring (summer) cleaning, a general unfriending, as I won’t be around to play for them or even to say hi occasionally this coming school year.
The rate of my facebook unfriending has certainly slowed significantly. The first few months after I started this blog (and started posting it on the facebook) it was considerably more than a trickle. But not lately. And I actually sort of miss it. It’s almost like if I’m not offending somebody I must be doing it wrong.
Now, this blog isn’t intended to offend. But, just like I don’t try to flash people, yet I don’t mind if people happen to see me naked, I’m not actively trying to offend people, yet I don’t have a problem with it if someone is offended.
In fact, maybe people need to be offended sometimes. Certainly if it gets them to think then it’s probably a good thing. Although, I suspect most people who get offended just sort of shut down any analytical part of their brain and just ignore or go into rant/talking-point mode.
I had a friend who stopped talking to me. Not recently; this was some time ago.
I suppose she's my first "unfriend" due to my being naked. Wait, actually there was another girl a few years earlier. In fact, there may be others even further back. I don’t recall.
Anyway, this girl wasn’t a facebook unfriending; it was a real life unfriending. She was never friends with me on the facebook. That’s actually how I became aware that she wasn't talking to me. She wasn’t on the facebook for a long time, even after “everybody” was. Then a few years ago I saw that she had joined the facebook, but she ignored a few friend requests from me and some messages.
I didn't know what the deal was at first, and I wanted to know. She wouldn't return my calls or messages. I realized something was wrong and heard second hand sort of what it was.
Then I ran into her and she was all, "Oh, hey! How are you?" as if nothing was wrong. So I said (something like), "No. That is not acceptable. If you wanna talk to me about this, fine. But don't act like nothing's wrong." She said "Okay," and just stared at me. I said "Okay" and walked away. And nothing since then.
Sadly, she and I had been pretty decent friends in the past.
I used to hang out sometimes at her place. Then I moved away; when I came to visit, I’d stay there. (There was an extra room.) And she saw me naked sometimes. It never seemed to be a big deal. She seemed okay, or at least not upset, about it. It was something I did to be funny, amusing, "for a lark".
But then one time I asked her out to dinner. And she brought a friend along. Later I told her that I'd meant dinner with just her. Now, I wasn’t feeling any particular romantic urgency toward her. There had been a time when I was sort of interested, but I didn’t pursue it. And at that point when I asked her out, I wasn’t really interested anymore. I was only in town for a little while, and didn’t know when I’d be back. And I certainly wasn’t trying to get laid. That’s just not me. To be perfectly honest, I thought it might be a nice gesture. And I thought we might have a nice time.
I think what happened is that she was uncomfortable with my invitation. That’s why she brought her friend. So, sometime after that, she saw me naked again. It may’ve been a day or two or a week or month, maybe that time I was visiting or the next—I’m not sure about the timing, ‘cause to me it wasn't a big deal. Well, apparently to her it was a big deal. Apparently she felt that it was some kind of sexual advance.
It wasn’t.
As far as I was concerned, It was no different than any other time I’d been there.
But(!)...
She has issues. With men. Well, with sex, and relationships. I just didn’t get how serious those issues were. So, now she has issues with me.
I haven’t written about her before, but a few things have reminded me of her lately. So...there it is.
It makes me sad that she decided that we couldn’t be friends.
It makes me angry that she didn’t talk to me about it.
The 60-something facebook “friends” that I’ve lost sometimes make me upset, but honestly the loss of her friendship was more upsetting than losing all of those people combined.
At this point, I don’t know if we could ever be friends again—maybe at some future point(?)—(and I don’t expect her to ever see this), but I might be willing to consider it. I’d be willing to listen if she wanted to have an actual conversation about it. But I’m not willing to pretend that everything’s fine, when clearly it isn’t.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
–Mark Twain
I don’t know that Twain meant exactly this, but, to me right now, this is saying that clothed people either don’t take naked people seriously or they ignore them (us).
Is that it? Just two choices? Leer or avoid?
Well, I’m going to address the avoiders.
You can see what I mean here, toward the end of Erykah Badu’s “Window Seat” video:
People see, react for a moment, or less than a moment—surprise, shock, dismay, whatever—then nothing; they turn away, or they stoically avoid reacting, or rather avoid showing any reaction.
But that in itself is a reaction. It’s also a sort of dismissal.
If you look at the “art school” definition of “nude” (I wrote a bit about this in “Nude vs. Naked") it’s a sort of presentation, a costume of sorts, or, yes, perhaps an objectification. It’s an invitation to view, to consider, to respond to the nude person. Or perhaps it’s a challenge. And avoidance of the nudity is a response of sorts. But it’s refusal to participate, a refusal to consider, to think, to be involved; it’s a rejection—a rejection of the invitation, of the challenge, and, ultimately, it is to some degree a rejection of the person or persons presenting the nudity.
In talking to a few people about this blog I’ve been trying to work out, to figure out and articulate, the reasons I started this.
Yes, it's a sort of “coming out”, but also I was hoping to prompt discussion, reaction, comment...something. But sometimes the silence is deafening. On the facebook, where I post links to the blog, a few people have responded on their own; some others I’ve asked for a response, and mostly gotten something. But some people don’t respond, even when asked directly. For example someone “liked” a (cropped) picture I posted on the facebook. I wrote and said “Hey you liked that picture. Thanks.” Her response was the she wished she were that brave. So, assuming that she at least was aware that the picture was from my blog, I asked if she had any feedback on the blog. And since then, nothing, even after I wrote again to say sorry if it was awkward or uncomfortable and feel free to change the subject. Still nothing.
Add to that the continuing loss of friends. Another sometime in the last 24 hours.
Deafening.
Sure, you might say that many people just don’t know how to respond to this blog. Well, to that I say bullshit. To that I say too many people just go through life trying to be safe.
When I was in college there was once a girl who I thought was really cute; I started chatting with her and after a little while I asked her out. She gave me some excuse that she couldn’t. It was a perfectly reasonable excuse, so I asked again—another reasonable excuse. Third time, same thing, so I asked if she was really that busy or if she just wasn’t interested, and if it was the latter, I just wished she say so. See, I wanted to believe that she was telling the truth. I would’ve told the truth. I’ve pretty-much always felt like this. Just say that you don’t want to go out with me, or hire me, work with me, whatever. I’d much rather you be clear and say what you mean. I can take rejection. I’ve certainly been rejected before and I expect to be rejected again. But I’d like to know, maybe even have the chance to ask if there’s some reason that would be helpful for me to know about for my own edification.
It turns out that girl in college was a lesbian. When I asked the third time, she told me. Okay. Fine. She could’ve said so the first time and saved us both the effort—of my coming up with a possible date idea and her coming up with a reasonable-sounding excuse. But I guess she was trying to be safe. She didn’t know how I might react to her being a lesbian.
So let me say, loudly: I’m not gonna yell or make fun of you for being a prude or feeling uncomfortable or perhaps having a job which you fear losing if my links to this blog show up on your facebook newsfeed. I respect directness and honesty. However, I might “call you out” for running away, unfriending me without a word.
Update 11/11/2011:
So, I had an unusual unfriending/block last night: someone I knew in college. But it wasn’t a simple, silent unfriending.
She sent me a message. It read:
you are really starting to creep me out with all this nudity naked blog stuff. Honestly, I don't want to see anyone's body on stage or off unless I'm dating them or they are my kids.
And then she unfriended me. And blocked me. Which means I can’t write her back to respond. I was going to say something like “Okay. Ya know, all you had to do was say that you didn’t want to see the links I post, and I’d’ve put you on the list of folks I don’t post to.”
Anyway, 2 things:
1, If I’m only “starting” to creep her out, why the unfriending? I was gonna take her off the “post to” list, but she took care of that.
And 2, I had earlier asked her opinion about a topic I’m working on for a future blog. It was something she had experience with, and she responded with a few things on that topic, including a couple of “haha”s. Not, “ohmigod, I don’t wanna talk about this”. And it wasn’t as if I’ve been posting things directly on her wall or constantly talking with her about this blog.
Ah well, at least she wasn’t silent about it. So, good for her on that count. I definitely heard her.
I just lost another facebook “friend”, which prompts me to post this.
By the way, I’ve figured out who a lot of you are, and there are a few surprises. Oh well, whatever.
Dear ≈50 people who’ve unfriended me on the facebook:
(Yeah, I know they’re not gonna see this, but...)
I understand if the posts about my new blog made you uncomfortable. But, ya know, several times I’ve mentioned in a facebook post that if you don’t want to see these posts let me know. I could’ve taken you off the list.
I would never simply unfriend someone because they posted something I didn’t like. I might hide them from my news feed, as I have with a handful of people who constantly post religious claptrap &/or right-wing conservative nonsense &/or sports crap that I care nothing about. Or if I had a normal job where I was concerned with what my boss might see on my computer screen when I was on facebook during work hours.
But I wouldn’t unfriend you. I’d probably say something about it: maybe ask you to not post that to me, you know, make a list or something. Or if I found it really troubling or disturbing I’d say so. I might say, “Hey. This is really offensive...or troubling...whatever”. I would start an actual conversation.
Wow, imagine that, actually saying what you think. Expressing your feelings. Oooo, a confrontation.
Why is that so scary? Why can’t people handle that?
