meh…

I’ve been feeling mostly “blah…” or “bleh…” or “blech…” or “meh…” lately. They’re all very similar.

I know I am not fat, but I feel fatter than I want to be. I feel thick, not fat. I feel lethargic. I want to get up, move about, do something. But I’m having trouble with motivation.

Last month I was exercising. That was good for the first few weeks. But then I started feeling a little sickly and “bleh…”, and the exercise didn’t really help that. It felt more like an obligation. I don’t have a goal with the exercise. I just want to feel better. Maybe a goal would help.

I want to get out of my apartment and do things, but I have nothing to do and no one to do anything with. Apparently, I’m a horribly boring person.

(OR…maybe it’s that I’m always “a dick or disgusting”. That’s what someone recently posted on my facebook. I was not aware of this dick/disgusting quality. Sarcastic, snarky…absolutely. But to me, that’s not the same as being a dick. And “disgusting”? I just don’t’ see it. Anyway…)

I just sit around here most of the time on my little couch (loveseat actually, but there’s no love going so “little couch” it is) watching netflix or youtube or whatever and feeling…meh…

Amanda Palmer and The Daily Mail

Back when I was posting every day (for a year) I posted this sort of thing from time to time, but it’s been a while. Anyway…

So, this happened:

“Making a boob of herself…”

(It’s a review in The Daily Mail of a performance by Amanda Palmer in which there was a “wardrobe malfundtion”, and the review only talked about that. Nothing at all is mentioned about the music, and very little is said about any other aspect of the performance.)

And then this happened:

Good for her.

That’s all.

Goodnight. 

conversation with a model

Here is an ad I placed on craigslist a little while back:

Models...Still looking (Greensboro area)

Amateur photographer seeking models for artistic photographs--nudes and implied nudes preferred, but not a must.
No experience needed; age, race, body type not an issue.
Contact me with questions or for samples of my work.
Also seeking interesting locations to photograph.
Serious inquiries only, please.
(Not a paid modeling gig, but you'll get copies of the resulting pictures.)

And here are excerpts from an email/text conversation I had in response to the ad. I have not edited this conversation for grammar, spelling, or content. I’m just cutting large chunks of it, as it was a week’s worth of messages. The italicized bits in brackets summarize what I’ve cut, etc.

HER: im interested but I would like to see some of your work !

[I sent some pictures and links.]

HER: nice pics I would like to work with you .if we do a shoot I would like to do a parts shoot! I love to perform I love to have my body parts photograth its a big turn on for me.the onley thing is I aways were my mask when I am shooting. if you think you can come to me for the shoot I want to do a shoot in my bed room .I know it will take your time and gas .so if you like I will give you a free full bod massage to comolteion for your time after the shoot ! let me know what you think kay.

[She included a few pics of her in the mask. It was dreadful.]

ME: Well, I'm not opposed to some pictures that don't show your face. I've done a few, either with the pose or angle you couldn't see the model's face or it was cropped in that way. And I'd be quite happy to do that sort of thing.
I'm open to meeting up--if that's at your location, that's fine--and seeing what we can come up with.
But I have to be honest and say that particular mask is a little bit disturbing. It's sort of scary...reminiscent of a S&M sort of thing, and that's not really my aesthetic. I'm just concerned that the mask is such a strong image it might throw me off a bit. 

Do you have other, different masks?

HER: sure I will take a few pics for you tomorrow and.if you will download all the pics in my pc so I can see that thy don't have my face in them I will not put on a mask. but I will have to see them befor you leve I have kides and I have to be verey discreet . I love showing my parts for you to shoot just not my face at all in any pic. this is something I love to do it gets me excited knowing someone is taking pics of just my bod parts and I love doing it.i have some sexy outfits I would model for you. and if you come to me it will save me gas and I will give you a full bod rub to comp if you like? I have a massage table and I like to give and receive a good massage.

[We exchanges several more messages. I said I wasn’t so sure about the massage; she said, “no worrys”.]

HER: How about tuesday at 10am?

ME: Sure. I’ll put it on my calendar.

HER: Good i hope you like doing parts shoots thats what i like to shoot! I will do more with my mask on!

HER: Would u like to see a few parts pics idone i have time send u a few?

[She sent some things: close ups of her breasts and vagina.]

HER: Im not a small person but i hope ok with you . I like doing parts in my home in my bed room i.dont have a problem with you touching me if u need to adjust me for the shoot ! Sometimes men get a hard on shooting me no worrys i will give u a massage and get u off on my massage table if u like ? And when we r shooting u can rub oil on me if u think i need it im ok with that.

ME: Um...well, we’ll just have to see how things go.

HER: Lol i just want you to know im comfortable with you touching and all .i see you do a lot of nudes do your models let you touch and rub over there tits and pussy .i get excited when im being photograph i like being touched.

ME: So, that’s not what I do. When I put an ad on craigslist, it wasn’t to find someone to fool around with.

If you wanna do some nudes, I’m totally into that. But if you’re mostly looking to get of...well, I’m not really your guy for that. It’s just not me.

HER: Sorry i did not meen it like that at all .i did a shoot with a model one time and all she talked about was how the guy put his hands on her i just want u to know im ok with that that’s all : )

[I was somewhat concerned, but I thought maybe it would be fine. If I was going to her place for pictures, I could just leave if I felt uncomfortable. So, a few more messages.]

HER: I will i think i give you the wrong impression about me . I just love have a man look at my body it makes me fill good.

ME: Ya know, I think the impression you made is quite clear. And as I said before, I’m interested in making some nice pictures. If you want to do that, we can get together and make that happen.

[It turns out that I was also exchanging messages with her husband. He had a similar style of writing. No sex-talk, though. But I was a little wary of a few things with him—the location, the fact that he contacted me to model for him on a site where I’m listed as a photographer, etc. So, between the red or red-ish flags with each of them, I decided that it was too much. I just wasn’t going to meet with either of them.]

ME: I’m feeling less and less comfortable with the idea of coming out there to work with you guys. So good luck in the future.

HER: I just want to know how this happened ?? R u sure u talking to my hubby?

My hubby says we all good .if u don’t want to come to me i will come to your place . Tomorrow if you want to shoot me? I will do what ever shoot u want !

ME: Well, thanks, but I really don’t’ think this is gonna work out.

HER: That’s ok u have a good night ! This has never happened to me befor lol.

I know its late but my hubby just ask me to ask u if its ok if he calls u .he just wants to talk to u and say hes sorry for the mix up?

ME: No. I’m going to bed.

HER: Ok ill tell him u have a good night ! No worrys u want here from me or him ever again : )

Well…that was a month ago, and, to their credit, I haven’t heard from them since. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I’d gone to meet them and take photographs and/or be photographed. It would probably have been fine. But some of her messages were just a little too much for me. That’s just not what I’m looking for.

But it points out an issue that I know some people have with the nude photography: they think it means sex, or might mean sex if everyone’s up for it. For some, that’s a plus, like an added bonus. Whoo! And for some it means that I, the person taking and/or appearing in these nudes photos, am a bad, evil, sinful, dirty person not to be trusted. (See: “So, what happened to Mississippi?”) 

This whole thing is just made worse by the people on tumblr, etc, who’ll post really nice, artistic nudes right next to what is clearly, no question, just plain ol’ porn. I’m not saying porn is wrong, but it’s different from art, and not recognizing, or pointing out, that difference just confuses the matter. Sure, you can take something not created as nor intended to be pornography and use it as porn, that is, strictly for sexual pleasure. It could be anything: artistic nudes; National Geographic pictures of topless native women; someone’s baby pictures; crime scene photos…whatever. Someone could use any of that stuff for sexual excitement, and while the act of doing so might be considered pornographic, that doesn’t change the nature of the original material.

Anyway…I’m still looking for models, people who’d be willing to pose for me. No sex involved, and no porn. I promise. 

So, what happened with City Arts?

Okay, this will be long, but I don’t really want to write a whole lot about this. Because I don’t really want to get angry, or any more depressed than I usually am. So mostly this will just be copied and pasted from my email.

I couple of months ago I got this email from the City Arts Drama Director:

Your public blog has recently come to my attention.  Having seen it, I have no choice but to let you know that until such time your naked pictures are not available to the public you will not be allowed to work with City Arts.  Our concern is that parents may not understand your point of view and that makes your association with us, potentially damaging to our tax-funded program.

Should you want to discuss this with me, I am available to schedule a meeting at your convenience.  We are not terminating you, but rather using the guidelines of Roster work as an as-needed employee.  At this time, your services as an accompanist can be served by others on our roster.

Well, the only involvement I’d had with them since starting this blog was that I had once or twice before prepared recordings for their children’s theatre to use. (Yeah, instead of their hiring someone to play the piano, the music director—who is a friend of mine—asked if I could make a recoding.) So, being the creative and often bored type I am, instead of just sitting down and playing through and recording the piano accompaniment as written, I did a (small) orchestration of all the music in the show and had my computer make a recording of that. It was not terribly extensive or complicated music, but this did constitute an artist effort on my part.

So, I wrote back:

That’s fine. I would ask that you inform the others involved with the show to not use the recordings I’ve prepared.
If you would, please, let me know when this has been taken care of. Thanks.

Well, I got no answer from him for a week, during which I contacted my friend the music director and was contacted by the stage director/children’s theatre director, both of whom basically said that it was unfortunate it went this way and that the artistic director didn’t need to send that original email. And they both asked me to reconsider. Yet my feeling was that this was not something I wanted to reconsider.

So I wrote again:

Has this been taken care of?
I want to be sure that the files I sent are deleted and any hard copies that may've been made are destroyed
Please let me know.

He did respond to that:

As this is a work for hire, I don’t need to destroy anything. Please send your invoice for payment. Feel free to call my cell if you have questions. I don’t have your number, otherwise I would have called on the first contact.

So I wrote and sent this diatribe:

I’m sure if you wanted to call me, you have my number somewhere, as it has not changed in the past 5 years.

Since I started posting my blog, over a year ago, you have not hired me as an accompanist. I’ve never thought you to be under any obligation to do offer me any work. 

You said in your email last week that my “association” with City Arts could be damaging. Well, this recording is the only “association” I currently have with you, apart from occasional attendance at meetings of the Playwrights’ Forum (of which I’m not currently a member). So, when you contact me to tell me that I will “not be allowed to work with City Arts” I think it’s a reasonable assumption that this position of yours should apply to the recordings I’ve made.

If that is not what you meant, then I don’t know why you bothered to send that email. But you did. You have created this situation at this time. I understand your decision. You’re acting as an administrator out of fear of potential backlash due to ignorance, conservatism, and religion. That is the side you have come down on in this.

Sadly, it is not surprising. However, I completely disagree with your position on this. I would like to think that the director of an Arts program, and a playwright, would make a stand to support personal and artistic exploration and expression, whether or not you or others may like it or are comfortable with it.

Now, I do not consider my photography as being directly connected to my work as a musician, however you have chosen to make that connection. So I am taking a stand, since you will not, in support of artistic expression. This is an issue of artistic integrity, and not something from which I’m likely to back down. Therefore, I must insist that those recordings NOT be used by City Arts.

Furthermore, this is not work that you have “hired” me to do. As in the past, this is something I did at the request of the music director as a favor and for which, in the past, I did not get paid to do, nor do I expect to be paid for the time I put into these recordings.

Well, again I got no response from this guy. Another week later, I found out from the music director that they’d gotten someone else to make a recording.  So I wrote this guy again:

I have heard that the children's theatre will be using a different recording from the orchestrated one I prepared. I would appreciate some official word, confirming that this is indeed the case. It would allow me to consider this situation officially resolved, so I no longer need to be concerned with it.  Thank you.

He didn’t answer. The children’s theatre director did. And I still have heard nothing from the artistic director.

I don’t get it. It’s a lot like the reaction of the guy in Mississippi last year.

Apparently, from what I’ve gathered by talking to a couple of other people, no one had lodged any sort of complaint. He and the directors of the show for which I’d made these recordings had talked about it and decided it would be okay to use the recordings, and then he sent that first email.

This was all a “what-if”/pre-emptive-strike/covering-my-own-ass-in-case-of-future-whatever sort of thing.

I have yet to run into this City Arts guy socially (or professionally). And when I do, I’m not sure exactly what my response will be. But I don’t have anything much to say that I haven’t already said. I mean, I could say more, but it would likely just get personal and insulting. 

Unfriend number whatever

So, I just noticed that yet another person unfriended me on the facebook. Earlier today, I think.

A few years ago, I might not have noticed for a while. But now, it’s something I still just assume is going to happen.

(Just a quick recap for anyone new: When I started this blog and started posting links on the facebook, I lost about 60 or so within a couple of months. It was a little extreme. And since then it’s taped off a lot. Now it’s more occasional. My total number of “lost” “friends” is probably around 75 or 80? Maybe more, I don’t know.) 

I used to really wonder a lot who it was, often looking through my “friend” list to figure it out. I’ve probably said this before, but...when someone unfriends you, I wish the facebook would send you a notification. They notify you of every other fuckin’ thing.

Obviously, many of my “facebook friends” I’m not REALLY friends with. I know them in real life—well, there is one I can think of right now, whom I’ve not met in real life. A lot of them are people I was friends with or worked with or knew 5 or 10 or 20-something years ago. And even most of the people I currently know, I’m not that close to.

Well, this is starting to head toward depressing self-indulgent crap.

So, I’ll just say that while I haven’t bothered to figure out who the last several “friends” are who silently unfriended me, I assume that it’s due to this blog. In fact, of all the unfriends in the last year-and-a-half, only one ever wrote me and said anything. It was almost humorous.

Anyway, despite that fact that I still sort of expect unfriendings, it still surprises me. It’s just sad so many people can’t handle being friends with a naked person. And they just disappear, in silence. Have some balls, people. Tell me you don’t like this or you’re uncomfortable, or that you think I’m a pervert out to do horrible things to your children.
(Oh yeah, I never did write about that. I guess I’m still processing... Soon.)

Well...enough ranting.
Goodnight.